I finally broke down and started telling people about my travails. I chickened out and sent emails—it was much easier than having 20 tear-stained conversations that could have no conclusion; makes it easier for the person at the other end to react in whatever way they feel appropriate without having to deal with me, too. I suspect that there will be a flood of replies murmuring the right things, then their duty is dispensed with. In the final analysis, it frankly really is my problem, and I have spent the last five years cutting ties and closing myself off from most of these same people. Who knows-- I could very well be surprised at the response.

I'm feeling a little depressed today. I should say honestly that I'm a lot depressed. I feel desperately alone, and yet as I wrote my missives, I thought of each person and how they would react. I know in my heart that these people have cared about me at some time and still do, in some way. It just doesn't mesh somehow. The battle that I have to fight doesn't make any sense unless I have some reason to want to fight it. I have to keep toting up them and going over them again and again.

I remembered when my mother died, how betrayed I felt. I wasn’t done with her yet. There were things that I needed her for and still things to share. For the last nine years that feeling of being orphaned was something that kept me from just sticking my head in an oven when it got bad. If I felt like that at 35, over something I had not control over, then what would it do to Chris—a mere child?

I have to learn to want to live for myself. I know that wanting to live for my family will provide a huge impetus for me, but it's not enough.

I used a phrase in a story, about the gray internal landscape of a character's mindset—and a reader whom I know and respect commented on that very phrase. It was a feeling that I know well. I spent years not having any hope, nothing to look forward to but decades and decades of gray drudgery. The fun, the zest, the essence of life had dribbled out of me. That veil, the black pavilion is slowly floating over me again. Indeed, was it ever truly gone?

Oh, this is getting depressing. I discovered that the radio tuner that wasn't working when I left Houston is perfectly fine now, and I am pulling in the classical station run at UALR. The Pittsburgh Symphony played their final concert for the season last night and the program was Mozart, Messiaen and Beethoven. The conductor was a last minute replacement, and he had to sort of fill in the program; and he gave great thought into placing a modern piece in with the 9th. He said that both of the composers were voicing their opinions on the universe, raging against it in a way. Beethoven's 9th was a more broad, open, humanist approach to the view of the universe; while Olivier Messiaen's piece was a more private, intimate conversation with God—but they complemented each other in a way that made you listen to each piece more carefully. (Paraphrased)

"Mozart, of course—you never have to apologize for Mozart."

I have to agree. I know that my classical education was sparse as compared to others in my family. Perhaps I'm being a little silly, but: the odd confluence of Beethoven and Mozart, along with the conductors' comments on the program on the heels of my repeated watching of "Immortal Beloved" and "Amadeus" really pinged me. It was what possessed me to turn the radio on last night. I heard the Mozart piece, #35-the Haffner, on the way home from the office (another late night doing diagnostics on the VPN server); and I couldn’t bear to miss the piece the conductor discussed in length and to hear the whole 9th!! It was what I needed. This morning I got the "Morning" suite from Peer Gynt, another favorite from decades past, and Bach's piano piece, "Ave Maria". The only piece I ever learned on the piano.

I have to drag myself out in the rain, and go to the store and start cleaning house. The weird thing about the rain here is that it sort of just drizzles on for HOURS. Not like So.Tx where it would drop 3 inches in a hour and go away. This freeking rain started last night and it's still just pouring. Yeeech.